Enter: Dark night of the soul (as some call it). I had many names for this season- fog, pain. It wasn’t a season I would have chosen, but He was with me. He certainly didn’t cause my pain or my heart’s loss of trusting, but it’s as if my heart couldn’t tell who caused the distrust and pain- it just shelled up. He was about to heal my heart in a way I didn’t realize I even needed, because this part of my heart was so numb, I had forgotten. But He didn’t.
Back in 2012-13 I had gone through a very painful season. There was much betrayal, humiliation and abandonment. Things I was already acquainted with, but not like this. All things our LORD is familiar with, right? As time goes on, I didn’t even realize I literally did not process the pain or release the pain with the LORD. I walled up, shoved it down and went through a very long season of warring with how to handle the pain and the situation itself. Time went on & I had forgiven, so I thought, but there was still so much fear of these things in me. I became busy being a mother of now 3 children, so I was always ignoring the distrust, pain and fear- thinking I was doing the right thing. Years go by this way. It’s like walking around with a dagger in your back. How can you ignore that?
About 2 months ago, I entered a very different kind of season than I had been used to. 2012 was years a go- now I’m in 2017 and not thinking of this old pain- it’s now unknown to my mind. Just busy, busy doing life. In Fall of 2017, before I entered this dark season, I had prayed and asked the Lord to restore everything the enemy had stolen from me in the years 2012-2013.
On an evening around September 2017, I was spending time with my husband when I sensed this tender melody bubbling up in my spirit. I went to the piano and began to piece together this little melody. It was lovely but there was a longing. It was beautiful but sorrow filled. I stopped and continued my date with my husband not thinking of it again until October.
The next month, October, I remembered about the night I felt that melody stirring inside. For a moment I just wondered & thought to myself “I should have recorded it so I could hear and play it again. I wonder what it was about”. The next night during a worship service at my church, the worship leader said “The Holy Spirit is releasing new songs, receive your song by faith“. Something like that. So I just opened my heart to receive, even though I don’t play anything & only sing for the audience of One- not including my family who may overhear me.
The morning after this worship service I was sitting at my computer which also has the piano in front of. I was just reading on the computer and my daughter walks up and says “I have this song stuck in my head” and turns the piano on. Then she plays the EXACT same melody that I had played in September. I knew it right as I heard it! And I sort of freaked out and had my husband listen to be a witness to it since he had heard me play it that night but we both knew there was no way our daughter could have known the melody. I was completely amazed.
But what does it mean? I then played it over and over asking Holy Spirit about it. As I played, I started to cry. There was such a sense of longing, love, yearning and sorrow all at the same time. I felt these words went with it: “I have loved you, through your darkest“. I wondered if I was discerning someone else’s pain, the Lord’s heart or something. I didn’t feel sad! I had no reason to be sad. In fact, I was afraid of sadness. I “thought” we weren’t supposed to be sad. But my heart became very “sore”. My heart really hurt, like deep sorrow!! And I had no clue where it was coming from. Then I plunged into a season of what definitely seemed dark! This “season” I entered was infused with MUCH remembrance of pain from another dark season in my past…
My heart became physically sore. When I was in worship, my heart was pain filled. All day long, just feeling this grief. I went to a conference at my church and during healing and prophetic, I went up. I didn’t tell anyone about the heartache, but the Lord revealed it. Walls, abandonment, deep piercings, trust… and that the Lord wanted to heal these wounds. They prayed for me and the ACTUAL physical stabbing in my heart went away… but the deep heart ache remained. And then there was the war with becoming bitter. I wanted healing- but all that was flooding my mind were memories, painful memories. And many questions. I didn’t want to remember these things.
BUT through this DARK season I also was sensing the Holy Spirit calling me to “remember”. I just kept hearing that word. Remember what? All I was remembering were things that caused me so much brokenness and it had me contemplating the place in my life I was currently in. Did I miss it? Did I not hear God correctly when I chose the path I am currently on? I am waiting for my promise and here I am, things seemingly still the same.
Foggy headed and confused, I warred with grief and bitterness. My heart was flashing from hope to discouragement to bitterness to sorrow. I felt like giving up, but in my heart I knew He hadn’t changed- even though I felt I had. It seemed I completely lost the person He showed me I am. I was remembering my old self. What kind of season is this?? It is so ugly and messy!! Many of my past seasons had been full of growth, joy, glory and beautiful songs!
Finally I came to a place where I was done with it. I realize I was trying to fight my own battle, when it is the Lord who fights for us. I began to yield to Him in trust with my heart… all of it, including the pain.
After this, He showed me that this season happened to heal some very deep wounds. I wasn’t able to deal with all the pain at once back in 2012-13. Before I entered this dark season in Fall of 2017, I had asked the Lord to “restore to me and my marriage EVERYTHING the enemy had stolen”. Much of what was stolen was bits of my heart, my trust. There were walls I had forgotten. Pain I had ignored.
At the end of this season, I was led to get prayed for around Jan 2018. The woman who was interceding for me had a vision from the Lord. She said “I see the Lord handing her a book titled “Our Story”. As you open it and look at your story both with you & the Lord and also you God and your marriage. He is removing the pain from the story. It’s just that, a PART of your story and He wants you to see Him in your story”. I compeletly lost it. I just felt all this warmth and affection all over my heart. His embrace was so strong and so loving. The woman who prayed for me doesn’t know me personally. And what she didn’t know was that I write and keep journals. My husband had bought me a journal for my birthday back in 2010 after the birth of our first daughter. I had intended on writing our love story in it but ended up needing to using it in 2011 for writing about my first encounter with Jesus and a 40 day “season Of Glory”. This book is very precious to me but also infused with a time where much betrayal and abandonment happened in my life, she didn’t know any of this!! And she didn’t know that in the front of that book it’s titled “our love story”! I was blown away. My heart was wrecked.
As I have come out of this season, He has revealed Himself to me as my Defender. The keeper and protector of my heart. He won’t fail us. He won’t abandon us. He is there through the valley and wilderness. He is our reward, the breakthrough is just one of the benefits of our relationship. And He grieves with us. He won’t leave us in the darkness. He loves us and holds us THROUGH our darkest.
If you read through this- I applaud you! It was a long read, but writing is also a way I process these kinds of things. I bless you to know that He is with you through each and every season. And you are not alone. ❤