Grace apart from TRANSFORMATION is a lie.

I’m not one to call out and shame churches and ministries, that’s not what I’m known for. But I want to share my story in case there is anyone out there who may be struggling with similar things. For the longest time I was stuck in a church that was preaching deception in the vaguest form. It was so slight and the message even sounding so empowering & encouraging. I didn’t realize how I was being deceived into lies in the most disguised way. We went for the kids ministry. We liked that it was close by. At some points yes I believe we did have moments where we encountered God here. But still something was off, and we noticed it more as the years went on. Such an emphasis was placed on prosperity & blessings & favor but there was nothing that brought conviction. And I am positive these things are from God, but these things seemed to be more of the focus. Conviction is so needed because it launches us into the transformation process. Anyways, it was as if the scripture or words we used were like a magic spell we could say and poof- we would have what we wanted. There was also such a focus on the pastor himself, everything seemed to revolve around him & his family. Sin was joked about. All the messages were focused on your success and blessings but there was zero conviction & hardly any talk about actual intimacy with God, although I did hear some things on identity. Somewhere in between the messages I noticed myself and others in the church started to take sexual sin very lightly, again no conviction on the manner. Sexual sin was slipping its way through the cracks of this church & it was coming through the message. We were being taught that “grace was enough”. That love covered a multitude of sins. Taught in the vaguest form that “we might just be able to sin & get away with it”. He made frequent jokes about lusting, getting high, wasted & smoking. It was these little seeds of “complacency” that had me so comfortable with no regard to repentance or forgiveness. Everyone here was so focused on their appearance, all I had to do was get dressed nicely and show up. This went on for a while as I noticed one of the ushers had an eye for me. He was married. As was I. But my husband just recently confessed his past offenses toward me & lack of faithfulness so I was hurt. Of course, I was walking around wounded & bitter & complacent here. So every Sunday or Wednesday I would show up, nicely dressed and get attention from him. I fed off of his looks & his smiles at me. It was disgusting. People on the worship team secretly cheating on their spouses, this stuff was everywhere. God ended up giving me a dream revealing to me how I was involved in how this man was hurting his wife by being unfaithful with his eyes toward me and many other women. It was sad, and after a while I grew more and more disgusted at him and annoyed at his stares and glances. Finally I connected with another church because I sensed God as calling us out of there. He gave me a very clear dream that the church we had been to for 5 years was very self-promoting & self-focused, believing they were the answer & were wanting to hold on to the people in their own strength.

And then I stumbled into some sin, and was convicted as I had an encounter with God, to which He revealed to me that GRACE IS NOT TO SIN AND GET AWAY WITH IT!

Oh this conviction was intense!

So intense.

But I’m so grateful that our Father disciplines those He loves and treasures! I began to realize I had bought that lie. I believed it was ok to sin here and there because I would be forgiven and grace was enough! Yuck!!!

He revealed many things to me as I cried out to Him for the TRUTH, that He expose all theses lies and reveal truth about the Gospel.

Sin is not a part of who we are. We are called to be holy as He is holy. And I read through Galatians 5, which talks about anyone living in sin has NO INHERITANCE in the Kingdom of Heaven! Yikes! When we received what Jesus did for us on the cross, we PARTAKE in His death and resurrection. We are brought into a NEW LIFE with Him & made NEW CREATIONS in Him! Sin has been done away with. When? RIGHT NOW. He already broke its power, and it’s power over our lives.

The TRUE GOSPEL is a story of transformation. If GRACE has no transformation then it REALLY IS NOT GRACE. Grace is not MERCY. Mercy is where we don’t get what we deserve. Grace is God’s ABILITY!

When I began this process of crying out to God for truth & being convicted I read Galatians 5 & other verses like it I realized: I CANT DO THIS! I can’t walk a perfect straight line, I fail over and over- I’m going straight to hell, I’m gonna be separated from Him forever! He says if I even lust I’ve committed sin? If I even call someone an idiot I’ve committed sin! I’m doomed!

And then the light came on!!!

Helllloooooo GRACE! Grace is the power of the Holy Spirit in our lives! Galatians 5 reveals that we can’t walk in the flesh and the spirit at the same time! So if your walking in the flesh (self) you will reap sin. If you walk in the power of the Holy Spirit, you will reap LIFE.

So I began repenting for every lie and every sin I committed & asked the Holy Spirit to come and reveal to me the way. As we yield to the Holy Spirit we are transformed! It’s a real process with Him. It involved reading the word & then discussing with Him. I would thank Him for His GRACE ability in my life, and that He was doing the transforming. You see focusing on my actions and on sin won’t transform me- it will only shame me & keep my eyes fixed on myself. Zero change.

But when we humble ourselves and cry out to Him for His ability- submitting to Him and receiving His forgiveness and love- HE GIVES US A NEW HEART.

He looks on the HEART.

We can’t possibly make ourselves right in our own strength. We receive EVERYTHING from Him, like little children.

The true gospel is this: Jesus came to restore us to His image. To take away the image of sin and death that was on us onto Himself. The blood of Jesus washed our sins away. Whoever believes in Him has eternal life. When we receive His forgiveness and His Spirit, there is transformation! We are made new & our heart is now ALIVE! He gives us the DESIRE to obey Him & the POWER to do what pleases Him. So now we’re not trying to walk a straight line and obey Him in our own ability and strength and understanding…. we soar ABOVE the laws because now it is in our hearts & we WANT TO! And we are confirmed into the Image of our FATHER ♥️

Grace does not mean sin & get away with it.

The Grace of God taught apart from TRANSFORMATION is a lie. Don’t be deceived. If we are children of God we have relationship with Him & His love is in us & will flow through us. Now sin won’t even be a focus anymore because we’re focused on love & sin has no place there! Blessings!!!

Enter my rest…

I recall a dream I had last year, when I was struggling with this “concept” of “enter my rest”. I asked God what it meant & how can I do this? I was struggling, and from time to time I still struggle, because I have had been taught growing up in religion to perform. Performance is a big part of religion. I actually felt so frustrated with that question “How do I enter your rest!?!”. My question was so infused with self-ability that I didn’t get a quick answer and I struggled for a while with no clarity.

So back to the dream. It was actually 2 dreams. In the first dream, I was having a wedding in this dark, old, boring church building. My to-be spouse & I were working so hard to get everything ready in our own strength and ability. We did all the planning, all the work. We were decorating, making the food etc. and anyone who has ever thrown any kind of party knows IT’S SO MUCH WORK!! You have for sure felt that inward feeling of anxious UNREST, of performance & self-ability. Well that’s what it was like. In fact we were so annoyed with the end result after all our hard work, only to find that the guest were OLD and falling asleep. We decided it was stupid to do since no one even cared (cause we were obviously being selfish) that we canceled it and went out to eat.

[Second dream] This dream was so magical! It was amazing! What a sense of rest there was! Such a peaceful sense. I was with my spouse to-be who was of royalty 👑. We were sitting together at the end of the table (where normally only one chair would be). It seemed as though we were celebrating our love. Both of us were dressed in the most royal clothing- I could FEEL the quality of it. I was in a blue dress & he was in a golden royal suit. All our dishes and utensils were golden and high quality. The table was long and all our guests were there with the focus on us. The servants were there to serve us & we didn’t have to do anything but BE present. We kissed and everyone was enamored by our love! That’s all that was expected (I was going to say REQUIRED but I sensed the correct word was EXPECTED… hence the place of REST & BEING)

In the dream, I then saw myself as in a daydream, restfully sitting in a garden caring for our children.

I read this verse this morning & it reminded me of my dream I just shared:

We will remember your love, rejoicing and delighting in you, celebrating your every kiss as better than wine. No wonder righteousness adores you!”
‭‭Song of Songs‬ ‭1:4‬ ‭TPT‬‬

Pictured here is Prince Harry & Bride Meghan. I read the verse above and think of this. In the Bible we are depicted as the Bride, but also the wedding guests.

My interpretation of the first dream was basically religion & UNREST. There were efforts but they were all from a place of unrest, weariness and essentially this was the Old Testament and the flesh.

The second dream is the understanding of REST. We enter His rest when we receive Him as our Saviour- His Spirit fills us and leads us. It’s not something we have to earn or perform for. We don’t have to make ourselves right or walk on eggshells. We don’t have to strain and strive and stress. We are simply in love when we know what He has done for us & we receive it. Our love is celebrated & our passion for Him is contagious. It’s not about making ourselves right but simply receiving Him and adapting to His ways as He does the transformation & preparation process!!

Enter His rest by accepting Jesus’ gift of life & let Him heal & transform you into everything He designed you be…simply say yes!!

““Are you weary, carrying a heavy burden? Then come to me. I will refresh your life, for I am your oasis. Simply join your life with mine. Learn my ways and you’ll discover that I’m gentle, humble, easy to please. You will find refreshment and rest in me. For all that I require of you will be pleasant and easy to bear.””

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭11:28-30‬ ‭TPT‬‬

Defend the defenseless…

I have been so heartbroken about these issues of abortion in our country. I believe the Lord is declaring HOPE over the unborn & over our country. I created this picture to declare that with Him.

I declare these over the precious unborn babies God so eagerly wants to protect- for them to live and thrive:

PSALM 91:4 He will cover you with his feathers,
 and under his wings you will find refuge, his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

MALACHI 4:2 But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its rays. And you will go out and frolic like well-fed calves.

It’s been the main topic for weeks now…

We are seeing a pro-life movement like never before as a result of the horrific bills that have been passed like in New York & other states that are attempting to follow. Sadly, many Christians have been asleep to this issue and many others like it- and have been silent.

The result of our silence is that meanwhile many innocent lives have been lost. We have been afraid and timid at the thought of speaking up and being active because there’s this spirit of offense in our country. This spirit has caused us to be silent on matters like this because we don’t want to offend anyone or sound overly religious or [insert excuse here].

But we are called to this. We are called to the uncomfortable. We are a light on a stand. We are a city on a hill. We are not to stay hidden. We will be hated for speaking truth in love!! We will be a stench to those who are perishing. But we are also His fragrance! (2 Cor 2:15)

We need to step past the discomfort & speak truth. Those who do not have a voice to speak for themselves need us to speak. And even if it saves ONE life- it will all have been worth it! I pray and hope that abortion will be completely abolished. I will not give up hope & neither should you. I imagine the entire army of Israelites facing Goliath felt this type of temptation to be utterly hopeless and terrified to speak against the slanderous things he was saying about our God. I imagine they felt small, and defeated. But we are not those men. We are His beloved. We are Davids. We are MORE then champions. They don’t know the God that is on our side- but they will know! They will see. They will witness our victory. But we can not continue to sit around waiting for a David to come along- when WE. ARE. IT.

There are many ways to be effective in this pro- life fight we are engaged in.

-Our core motive MUST be LOVE!

-INTERCEDE! We need intercessors to pray and fast. We need mountain movers. We need to speak life over the unborn & we need to declare truth over this situation. Start a prayer chain. Start a prayer group. Prayer is powerful!

-VOLUNTEER and support a local pregnancy crisis center. You will see on their websites that they do not perform or support abortion but will educate on the matter. They support women with health care and counseling with alternative options.

– GET INVOLVED in your local pro-life groups on Facebook. And share info to help draw in more pro-lifers.

– sidewalk counseling near your local planned Parenthood. Just be love. Offer prayer. Speak comfort & hope.

-put up info on bulletin boards around town at coffee shops and library for ALTERNATIVE options… promoting your local alternative pregnancy crisis centers.

– write beautiful letters of hope & purpose for the unborn & their mothers… place them around the planned parenthood’s & wherever God leads you.

-JOIN your local pro-life rallies

-support the new movie by Abby Johnson that is coming to theaters called “Unplanned”… buy weekend tickets for people and hand them out near planned Parenthood. Hey it’s worth a shot.

-even ADOPT if you can & God is calling you to do this.

Please comment and add other ideas on how to get involved & speak up for the unborn.

Possibly sleeping Christians-here’s some quick tips…

When you get into a place where your doubting, feeling hopeless, feeling disconnected from God, depressed, like giving up, confused, fearful, unsure, impatient… 😱where it’s hard to see clearly & your foggy headed… or maybe you have completely lost sight of what your even doing with God… you may be in a wilderness place!! You also may be asleep. I believe these are different and you could be dealing with both. Either way if you want the quick way out here are some VERY VALUABLE TIPS:

#1 remember the TRUTH (IDENTITY)-

who He is & who YOU are in Jesus. Remember all that He has done & His goodness & faithfulness. Look behind you to remember what He has done & how you first fell in love with Him…Satan is working overtime to make us forget who He is & who we are. When you believe his lies, your giving him to power of your agreement. Renounce the lies & declare the truth!!!! 👑🔥🔥🔥“And David was greatly distressed….But David strengthened himself in the Lord his God.” 1 Samuel 30:6

#2 sincerely repent for any possible sins you’ve committed- known and unknown. If you don’t know- ask that Holy Spirit shine His light and expose them. Sins can also be lies that we have believed- either about God or ourselves or others. Be honest with Him & bare your heart before Him.🙏🏻🔥 “Seek the Lord while he may be found; call upon him while he is near; let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; let him return to the Lord, that he may have compassion on him, and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.” Isaiah 55:6-7 ESV

#3 ask for angels to be released to fight your battles in the heavens…ask God to fight your battles😇😇😇

#4 do all this in FAITH! Gather up what faith you have and believe with all you’ve got…. faith is so key!🌊

#5 truly expect Him to move!! Do this from the posture of your true Identity & from your renewed mind of who He is!! 🧠🔑👑🔥

#6 continue to renew your mind with His word- saturate yourself!

#7 ask for deeper revelation and knowledge of your Identity & who He truly is so that you don’t slip into this wilderness cycle anymore.


[You do not want to circle around in the wilderness forever. I promise! Don’t forget who you are…life goes by. Give it over, forgive, stop believing the lie, trust God, yield your heart- whatever it is that’s delaying you….just do it.]

“This is why the Scripture says, “Arise, you sleeper! Rise up from your coffin and the Anointed One will shine his light into you!””

Ephesians 5:14 TPT

Bride arising…

In 2016 I cried out to God for change. What I saw in my heart wasn’t what I saw in His Word & I wanted to be all He paid for me to be. I had previous encounters with Him- but this one was different and lasted for about 7 months, where the tangible presence and glory of God would manifest in the room as I would pray and seek Him.

During this time He began to reveal to me lies I was believing & as He exposed them He would also reveal the truth to me. I felt so free in this place to be able to be totally transparent with Him- hiding nothing in shame. I realized a lie I believed was if I let Him in my heart that way, He would be disgusted or appalled by me and my thoughts. I found out He didn’t see me like that at all. He saw the things as what we’re holding me back from being the TRUE ME. I was struggling with gory images appearing in my mind when I was praying or in worship & hearing blasphemous things about Him. I struggled with anxiety, postpartum depression, perverted thoughts I didn’t want to think of but would be in my head regardless, emotional trauma, issues with sexuality and low self-esteem. The topics He was giving me insight on were “intimacy” and “identity”. All this time He was exposing the lies & revealing truth in His presence- breaking the chains & freeing me completely. Day after day, I was so blessed to have Him reveal Himself to me these ways… I know He is always there, but to tangibly feel His presence and love without fail will bring you to tears in such reverence and awe.

In the book of Revelations the Bible says, “Let us rejoice and exalt him and give him glory, because the wedding celebration of the Lamb has come. And his bride has made herself ready.”

I believe we’re in a season where we are to consecrate (devote) ourselves for Him and remain that way. To come before Him in conviction & humbly let Him in to do transformation on us. I’m sharing this testimony of healing because HE CAN DO IT AGAIN. I believe that when we read His Word, believe it & accept the identity Jesus paid for us to have, bringing the things that are not truly US to Him & asking for Him to make us like Him- He sees the transparency & childlikeness & moves on that.

We are of a high value: He sent His Son in our place to prove our worth not that were just a bunch of sinners.

Intimacy means being transparent before Him, hiding nothing…

So in transparency in the secret place in prayer as we open our hearts and let Him take the sins weighing on us- it makes room for the light and truth to come in… (John 8:38) Jesus says He received truth in His Father’s presence. As we continue in His word He reveals truths, brings conviction, we lay the thing were convicted of at His feet & He does the healing & transformation (essentially this is what repenting is– it’s awesome!! And not as “religious” as religion has made it out to be) Into-me-you-see… and as we behold Him, we become like Him…

Identity is the result of really knowing Him intimately. Bible says as He is so are we in this world (1 John 4:17).

I remember once when he was teaching me these things I had stolen something from a store- feeling guilty for it I asked God why it was such a big deal since no one would even notice such a small thing… I clearly heard Him say “because it’s not my character”. Such a great answer!

More on Identity: In the Bible Jesus said if you’ve seen me you’ve seen the Father (John 14:9). Jesus also told the Pharisees that they were in likeness with their father the devil because of his characteristics as a murderer & liar- and Jesus identifies them as children of Satan because they have the same characteristics.

So basically the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree- but I don’t believe this applies to the earthly parent but the spiritual. What we see in Him we begin to take on… that is our true identity- in Christ. Everything else we lay it down as the old self (Ephesians 4:22-24). That’s what it means to be BORN AGAIN- we’re given to our brand new Father & declared a Child of God as it was always meant to be from the beginning! ❤️

Part of our identity is being the Bride of Christ. As the Bride, let us yield to the Holy Spirit and make ourselves ready!

Prophetic Photography: Wise ones

This photo specifically ties in with the 10 virgins parable about the end times told by Jesus in Matthew 25.  It also speaks to me as the Shaumulite Bride in Song of Solomon- where she went out in search for her lover & when she found Him she refused to let Him go again. She clung to Him.

A Wise One is the 5 of the 10 virgins.  They’re the ones who were prepared and ready at His arrival.  They had the oil, they were ready.  They’re the ones who are daily in the secret place Jesus referred to.  They are seeking His face.  They want to know Him and are continuously knowing Him in every season.  They are letting Him know them- letting Him transform them & prepare them.  They long for more of Him and are yielding to His Spirit and His plans for His kingdom.  They are the laid down lovers, the self-denied ones.  I asked the Lord what the oil meant from Matthew 25- I knew it had to do with the Holy Spirit.  He said “oil is made in the pressing, press into me”.  In 2016 He said the most important things were INTIMACY (experiencial knowledge) & IDENTITY.  At the end of the passage he said to the the foolish virgins “depart from me, I don’t know you”.

The end of 2018 He really pressed on my heart about the last days.  I can’t even explain it but it was like I went through what would happen to a person that realized it was too late (FOOLISH VIRGIN- Matthew 25)… someone who neglected their relationship with Him.  They said to themselves “I have tons of time- he might not even come back.  We’ve been crying “end of the world” forever… it’s probably never gonna happen- people have been saying this for years!”.  They are the ones who saw Jesus and salvation as simply “fire insurance” not an opportunity for continuous relationship.  They prayed the prayer sometime in their life but they never took the time to know Him or seek His face.  There was no relationship, and when there is no intimacy there is no transformation.  The grace of God is meant to transform us- not permit us to stay the same and living in sin (not our true identity).  Therefore, they were not wise- they were not prepared.  And who is the one who does the preparing?  Him, as we yield our hearts in intimacy.  When I went through this revelation of a person being unprepared at His arrival- I had this gut wrenching feeling.  It became so real- He really showed up… it was a completely real moment where He really came and there was zero time left.  No time to seek Him, no time to change, no time to repent, no time to pray or read His word and get to know Him.  Not even time to consult your closest Christian friend and ask about Him like those foolish virgins did.  No time to receive the Holy Spirit.  No time to do that thing He told you to do- or witness to that friend He put on your heart.  There was the terror of the Lord.  I had always known the loving, kind and beautiful side of my Lord but not this side of Him.  What a terrible thing for people who chose to push off their relationship with Him & don’t let Him do the transformation process.  You can’t build His kingdom and your own at the same time.  He’s such a beautiful and loving God- the one who made that gorgeous ocean and the delicate butterfly… who gave us life, but He’s also the God of the storms and the wind.  He’s for real.  He’s like a really good Dad, yikes when He does what He said He would do & you weren’t on the same page as Him.  Yikes.  It’s a safe place to be when your abiding in Him.

“I correct and discipline everyone I love. So be diligent and turn from your indifference.” Revelation 3:19

““At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish and five were wise. The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take any oil with them. The wise ones, however, took oil in jars along with their lamps. The bridegroom was a long time in coming, and they all became drowsy and fell asleep. “At midnight the cry rang out: ‘Here’s the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!’ “Then all the virgins woke up and trimmed their lamps. The foolish ones said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil; our lamps are going out.’ “ ‘No,’ they replied, ‘there may not be enough for both us and you. Instead, go to those who sell oil and buy some for yourselves.’ “But while they were on their way to buy the oil, the bridegroom arrived. The virgins who were ready went in with him to the wedding banquet. And the door was shut. “Later the others also came. ‘Lord, Lord,’ they said, ‘open the door for us!’ “But he replied, ‘Truly I tell you, I don’t KNOW (intimate, experiencial knowledge) you.’ “Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭25:1-13‬ ‭NIV‬‬ (remember when Jesus said to the disciples KEEP WATCH… He wanted them to be present with Him in that place where He was yielding to the Spirit)

Song of Songs, the passion translation:

3 Night after night I’m tossing and turning on my bed of travail.
Why did I let him go from me?
How my heart now aches for him,
but he is nowhere to be found!
2 So I must rise in search of him,
looking throughout the city,[a]
seeking until I find him.
Even if I have to roam through every street,
nothing will keep me from my search.
Where is he—my soul’s true love?
He is nowhere to be found.
3 Then I encountered the overseers as they encircled the city.
So I asked them, “Have you found him—
my heart’s true love?”
4 Just as I moved past them, I encountered him.
I found the one I adore!
I caught him and fastened myself to him,
refusing to be feeble in my heart again.

Now I’ll bring him back to the temple within
where I was given new birth—
into my innermost parts, the place of my conceiving.

This verse also come to mind- Psalm 27 The passion translation:

4 Here’s the one thing I crave from God,
the one thing I seek above all else:
I want the privilege of living with him every moment in his house,[c]
finding the sweet loveliness of his face,
filled with awe, delighting in his glory and grace.

with love,


RemEMBER: who He is in our dark seasons.

Enter: Dark night of the soul (as some call it).  I had many names for this season- fog, pain.  It wasn’t a season I would have chosen, but He was with me.  He certainly didn’t cause my pain or my heart’s loss of trusting, but it’s as if my heart couldn’t tell who caused the distrust and pain- it just shelled up.   He was about to heal my heart in a way I didn’t realize I even needed, because this part of my heart was so numb, I had forgotten.  But He didn’t.

Back in 2012-13 I had gone through a very painful season.  There was much betrayal, humiliation and abandonment.  Things I was already acquainted with, but not like this.  All things our LORD is familiar with, right?  As time goes on, I didn’t even realize I literally did not process the pain or release the pain with the LORD.  I walled up, shoved it down and went through a very long season of warring with how to handle the pain and the situation itself.  Time went on & I had forgiven, so I thought, but there was still so much fear of these things in me.  I became busy being a mother of now 3 children, so I was always ignoring the distrust, pain and fear- thinking I was doing the right thing.  Years go by this way.  It’s like walking around with a dagger in your back.  How can you ignore that?

About 2 months ago, I entered a very different kind of season than I had been used to.  2012 was years a go- now I’m in 2017 and not thinking of this old pain- it’s now unknown to my mind.  Just busy, busy doing life.  In Fall of 2017, before I entered this dark season, I had prayed and asked the Lord to restore everything the enemy had stolen from me in the years 2012-2013.

On an evening around September 2017, I was spending time with my husband when I sensed this tender melody bubbling up in my spirit.  I went to the piano and began to piece together this little melody.  It was lovely but there was a longing.  It was beautiful but sorrow filled.  I stopped and continued my date with my husband not thinking of it again until October.


The next month, October, I remembered about the night I felt that melody stirring inside.  For a moment I just wondered & thought to myself “I should have recorded it so I could hear and play it again. I wonder what it was about”.  The next night during a worship service at my church, the worship leader said “The Holy Spirit is releasing new songs, receive your song by faith“. Something like that.  So I just opened my heart to receive, even though I don’t play anything & only sing for the audience of One- not including my family who may overhear me.

The morning after this worship service I was sitting at my computer which also has the piano in front of.  I was just reading on the computer and my daughter walks up and says “I have this song stuck in my head” and turns the piano on.  Then she plays the EXACT same melody that I had played in September.  I knew it right as I heard it! And I sort of freaked out and had my husband listen to be a witness to it since he had heard me play it that night but we both knew there was no way our daughter could have known the melody.  I was completely amazed.

But what does it mean?  I then played it over and over asking Holy Spirit about it.  As I played, I started to cry.  There was such a sense of longing, love, yearning and sorrow all at the same time.  I felt these words went with it: “I have loved you, through your darkest“.  I wondered if I was discerning someone else’s pain, the Lord’s heart or something.  I didn’t feel sad!  I had no reason to be sad.  In fact, I was afraid of sadness.  I “thought” we weren’t supposed to be sad.  But my heart became very “sore”.  My heart really hurt, like deep sorrow!! And I had no clue where it was coming from.   Then I plunged into a season of what definitely seemed dark!  This “season” I entered was infused with MUCH remembrance of pain from another dark season in my past…

My heart became physically sore.  When I was in worship, my heart was pain filled.  All day long, just feeling this grief.  I went to a conference at my church and during healing and prophetic, I went up.  I didn’t tell anyone about the heartache, but the Lord revealed it.  Walls, abandonment, deep piercings, trust… and that the Lord wanted to heal these wounds. They prayed for me and the ACTUAL physical stabbing in my heart went away… but the deep heart ache remained. And then there was the war with becoming bitter.  I wanted healing- but all that was flooding my mind were memories, painful memories.  And many questions.  I didn’t want to remember these things.

BUT through this DARK season I also was sensing the Holy Spirit calling me to “remember”. I just kept hearing that word. Remember what? All I was remembering were things that caused me so much brokenness and it had me contemplating the place in my life I was currently in.  Did I miss it?  Did I not hear God correctly when I chose the path I am currently on? I am waiting for my promise and here I am, things seemingly still the same.

Foggy headed and confused, I warred with grief and bitterness.  My heart was flashing from hope to discouragement to bitterness to sorrow.  I felt like giving up, but in my heart I knew He hadn’t changed- even though I felt I had.  It seemed I completely lost the person He showed me I am.   I was remembering my old self.  What kind of season is this??  It is so ugly and messy!!  Many of my past seasons had been full of growth, joy, glory and beautiful songs!

Finally I came to a place where I was done with it.  I realize I was trying to fight my own battle, when it is the Lord who fights for us.  I began to yield to Him in trust with my heart… all of it, including the pain.

After this, He showed me that this season happened to heal some very deep wounds.  I wasn’t able to deal with all the pain at once back in 2012-13.  Before I entered this dark season in Fall of 2017, I had asked the Lord to “restore to me and my marriage EVERYTHING the enemy had stolen”.  Much of what was stolen was bits of my heart, my trust.  There were walls I had forgotten.  Pain I had ignored.

At the end of this season, I was led to get prayed for around Jan 2018.  The woman who was interceding for me had a vision from the Lord.  She said “I see the Lord handing her a book titled “Our Story”. As you open it and look at your story both with you & the Lord and also you God and your marriage. He is removing the pain from the story. It’s just that, a PART of your story and He wants you to see Him in your story”.  I compeletly lost it.  I just felt all this warmth and affection all over my heart.  His embrace was so strong and so loving.  The woman who prayed for me doesn’t know me personally.  And what she didn’t know was that I write and keep journals.  My husband had bought me a journal for my birthday back in 2010 after the birth of our first daughter.  I had intended on writing our love story in it but ended up needing to using it in 2011 for writing about my first encounter with Jesus and a 40 day “season Of Glory”.  This book is very precious to me but also infused with a time where much betrayal and abandonment happened in my life, she didn’t know any of this!! And she didn’t know that in the front of that book it’s titled “our love story”! I was blown away.  My heart was wrecked. 2D39EF54-FB49-4957-BE5D-591FDC60359B

As I have come out of this season, He has revealed Himself to me as my Defender.  The keeper and protector of my heart.  He won’t fail us.  He won’t abandon us.  He is there through the valley and wilderness.  He is our reward, the breakthrough is just one of the benefits of our relationship.  And He grieves with us.  He won’t leave us in the darkness.  He loves us and holds us THROUGH our darkest.  

If you read through this- I applaud you!  It was a long read, but writing is also a way I process these kinds of things.  I bless you to know that He is with you through each and every season. And you are not alone.  ❤

With Love,