My Story

My story…..

My story is full of many failures, some heartache, overcoming and much beauty.

God has given me beauty for ashes.

I was a crazy teen. I was rebellious. I did things my way. I got hurt. I slipped into a depression, became suicidal, self-harmed and became addicted to that, drugs and chain smoking. I was angry, broken and very lost. I was very interested in the supernatural, as I still am, but I looked for truth in the wrong places- void of truth masked in mystery.

I began practicing witchcraft and sought out the spiritual life through all the wrong doors. I was thirsty. I hated myself. I hated everyone around me. I tried to hide it with a smile- sometimes very terribly. I traumatized my family with fear that I might finally succeed in committing suicide. My parents argued about me. They argued about admitting me to a mental hospital. They took me to many psychiatrists & therapists. I was put on medication that only made me feel numb. I continued to fill my hunger and thirst with everything this world had to offer me.

I gave myself over to darkness & dreamt of death daily.

I would sneak out, run away, use my depression to manipulate my parents to let me do whatever I want so I became more depressed. I wasn’t always a trouble making child. My life wasn’t HORRIBLE- though there was much anxiety in my home and no real stability. I was alone, empty inside. I fueled my anger with music that spoke that language. I gave myself over to darkness & dreamt of death daily. I scheduled my cutting sessions, a bloody ritual.

My mom was spiritual and loved Jesus. It wasn’t real to me, just a theory. I mocked it. She was vigilant in prayer. She would cry for me regularly. One day she dragged me to a church service. They were basically worshipping for the entire service and I sat there in my black attire, my piercings and rebellious clenched heart surrounded by what I thought were a bunch of weirdos.

Suddenly, I began to sense this spiritual but tangible feeling all around me. This “feeling” had personality, a love. I experienced this embrace that wasn’t judging me, but actually drawing me in. It was so tangible to my physical senses but was also to my heart and soul. A love I hadn’t yet known but my soul somehow recognized.

The yielding was like finally giving in to the invitation to breathe after years of attempted suffocation.

I had a choice, I could have resisted, but I knew this was supernatural and I WAS EXPERIENCING the presence of God, my Creator. I couldn’t resist. I had to yield to Him. The yielding of my spirit was like that of another hand taking my stiff, sore, clenched heart and gently unfolding it. The yielding was like finally giving in to the invitation to breathe after years of attempted suffocation.

All that came from me were gasps and choking of tears. Such a tremendous relief, a welcoming home from my Father that I truly didn’t know yet but desperately needed. No judgement. No hate. Just pure, complete love that I have never experienced from a physical human being before in such a concentrated depth and measure. All I could think is “HOW could you possibly love or want me?!”. I thought this because all His presence was emanating was His desire for me. I don’t know how I ended up on the floor on my face but there I was, my sister & her friend witnessing my cold heart melting to the ground. They sobbed. We embraced. There was healing here. This was the beginning of my healing journey.

It didn’t happen immediately. There were many areas where I still resisted to give in. I knew He was drawing me into a relationship though. I would normally sit in my bedroom getting high, writing & sketching dark, twisted things full of death and hate. I could feel these nudges from Him to make certain acts of change.

So I made a choice. One choice at a time. I would toss out my notebooks of these things. I trashed my spell-books, candles, pentacle charms. The broken glass from a mirror that belonged to an abandoned mental hospital nearby. Anything that represented that old life.

I became aware that there was something much sweeter then death. There was love & there was hope.

It happened over the course of my teen years. Every now and then I would try out self-harm but it didn’t seem to satisfy what I was desiring. Now I wanted something more. My EYES had been lifted. I was awakened. I tasted true reality. I became aware that I was meant for the supernatural but not the way I thought. I became aware that there was something much sweeter then death. There was love & there was hope.

I didn’t talk about these things with people. But there was a beautiful seed planted in my heart that the darkness couldn’t touch because it in itself was made of light. I didn’t right all my wrongs in a moment. The journey was a long transition into a surrender that I never knew I was capable of- because on my own I wasn’t.

One day, I became aware of the deception behind some of the music I still hadn’t let go of. It was some screamo backwards voodoo type music lol. So out loud I shouted to the devil that I’m not his anymore, and I’m done I’m done with his tricks. Then my computer started blasting the music at its highest volume. I ran to turn it off & nothing I did worked. It was frozen with this music playing LOUD. I unplugged it and realized this is not a joke- the supernatural is real and I want to be on the right side.

As I became more aware of the reality of the supernatural realm, and I was drawing closer to God, I started getting demonic attacks in my sleep. I would fall asleep & get trapped in a nightmare where demons would be disguised as people, manipulating my dreams. I would fight to wake up and think I succeeded only to have awoken into another nightmare assuming I was awake and actually starting the process over again. I would be choked in my sleep. One night a demon leaped off me and onto my cat. It began to manifest and bash itself against my wall. I was with my soon-to-be husband then and I would wake him up terrified of going back to sleep (and ya He used to think I was a little nuts, until he witnessed things that happened along my journey himself)

I was being tormented in my mind and I didn’t know what to do.

Another night, I woke up to a demon hanging over me glaring at me. I was so full of fear. I had many different experiences like this- I was and am absolutely convinced the supernatural is real and it really gives me a sense of compassion for those who have suffered with such torment but were labeled insane and they didn’t know how to escape it.

He taught me that I could command them to go in Jesus name not out of fear but from a heart posture of being a daughter of the King.

Over the years as I became more experienced and drew closer in relationship to God, He began to teach me about authority and my identity in Christ. He taught me that I could command them to go in Jesus name not out of fear but from a heart posture of being a daughter of the King. Over the years I also began to have more and more encounters with Him that changed my life forever.

I heard His voice, had visions and vivid dreams that have marked me like nothing else could. I’ve had many failures and heartache along my journey as I said before, but also so so much beauty & glory. I share more about my God-encounters in my blog.

During one of my encounters with Him as He began revealing my identity and purpose as His child, He also revealed my creative nature. As He is the Creator & I AM made in His image, I AM also creative. He spoke to me about “prophetic photography” to which I had never heard this term before. As I get visions from Him, I became aware this was what He was referring to. My motivation, to recreate the vision/message through photography & art.

So I picked up a camera and began the process of creating through this medium of artistic expression. I have been on an entirely new portion of my journey with Him in creativity, and this is the what is being brought forth of it.

Thanks for reading my story! I hope it blesses you and gives you hope & a passion for your created purpose to know the supernatural, tangible love of God for yourself- because it’s just not enough to know ABOUT Him. I want Him to be my OWN. My forever.

WITH LOVE,

Abbie Elarde